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Suicidal: I'm Going to Die This Time

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I Wanted to Die I have received feedback both good and bad regarding my blog entries.   Some celebrate my transparency and some hate it.   In forty-three years of life one of the most important things I have learned is to be true to me.   I am not ashamed of where I have been or even what my current daily struggle is. It has taken much prayer to get me to a place of healing and during my journey I have encountered many hurting people who felt just as alone as I felt while going through my struggle.   This realization has made my decision to share much easier. So my prayer is that if you read my blog that it encourages you or that you share it with someone else who may be struggling in this life. I remember the day like it was yesterday.   My life was spiraling out of control.   I hadn’t felt these feelings since high school when I went to live with my Godmother because my home life just wasn’t right.   I felt unloved and worthless.   I remember going to spend the night over a
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Why I Wanted to Die Pt. 2 of Why I Should Have Never Gotten Married

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Have you ever truly feared for your life?   I’m not talking about in general. I’m talking about someone trying to kill you. I have.   For those of you reading this who are married, you know that marriage is not easy.   It is especially hard when your spouse is an abuser.   Who is an abuser?   In a relationship, an abuser is when someone exhibits a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. I never thought that when I said, “I DO” I would be the victim of domestic violence.   I am an avid Lifetime movie watcher so I had seen stories about it and in my mind, I always thought there is no way that would ever be me.   However, not long after I got married I found myself fearing for my life on a regular basis.   While I won’t go into the detail of my abuse, I will tell you that it did some serious damag
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Why I Should Have Never Gotten Married

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Did you have a dream of what you wanted your life to look like by the time you were a certain age? I'm 43 and just today I realize I didn't. I really never had a role model to look up to in the area of relationships and because of this I am the product of many failed relationships. One would say that in every relationship I have had I have morphed into the man I have been in the relationship with trying to please him instead of being true to myself. Probably because it took me a while to know who I am.   Even at 43 I am still discovering things about myself. Every time I surrender just a little bit more to the Lordship of Christ I find myself knowing myself just a little bit better.   I relate this to a scene from Runaway Bride where Julia Roberts is leaving man after man at the altar. There is a scene where she is asked what kind of eggs does she like and she can't answer because she doesn't know so two different men answer with different answers. The reason why t
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Week 6 - The Helmet of Salvation and the Sword of the Spirit

Women of Unity Bible Study Week 6 The Helmet of Salvation and the Sword of the Spirit   And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit which is the word of God.   Ephesians 6:17 How is your journey to a closer relationship with God coming along?   Have you been successful in carving out time each day to spend with God in His Word? This is the final week of our journey.   We will actually be looking at the final two pieces of armor this week – the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit.   I have enjoyed my time studying the whole armor of God.   Some weeks have been better than others but overall I have made a conscious choice to get up each day and put on the whole armor of God.   If you continue to struggle with making time with God a priority, keep on praying.   Always remember that God answers prayers.   Surround yourself with individuals who will pray with you and for you. Remember that this is a process.   We were justified and now we are
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Week 5 - Take the Shield of Faith

Women of Unity Bible Study Week 5 Take the Shield of Faith   In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one.   Ephesians 6:16   How is your journey to a closer relationship with God coming along?   Have you been successful in carving out time each day to spend with God in His Word? This is our fifth week on this journey.   If you continue to struggle with making time with God a priority, pray about it.   Enlist a fellow Christian and ask her or him to stand in agreement with you.   Get an accountability partner.   Bodily exercise is not the only reason we need an accountability partner.   The Word of God tells us that ‘for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come’ (I Timothy 4:8). This week we are going to talk about the fourth piece of the armor – the shield of faith.   The shield is
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Week 4 - Shoe Your Feet with the Preparation of the Gospel of Peace

Women of Unity Bible Study Week 4 Shoe Your Feet with the Preparation of the Gospel of Peace   … and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace [1] . Ephesians 6:15 Each week I want to begin by asking how is your journey going?   Have you been successful in carving out time each day to spend with God in His Word? Remember this is an ongoing process.   If you missed a few times last week let’s try to do better this week.   It’s about relationship and God wants you to spend time with Him.   This week we are going to talk about the third piece of the armor – our feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace.   This is the piece of the armor growing up I never quite understood and wasn’t satisfied with most explanations.   In my study one thing I have learned is that every soldier learns to protect his feet.   Initially some may think that this part of the body is not important but with time and experience in battle they so
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Week 3 - The Breastplate of Righteousness

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Women of Unity Bible Study Week 3 The Breastplate of Righteousness   …and having put on the breastplate of righteousness. Ephesians 6:14b   So how did you do last week?   Were you successful in carving out time each day to spend with God in His Word? Remember this is an ongoing process.   If you missed a few times last week let’s try to do better this week.   It’s about relationship and God wants you to spend time with Him.   This week we are going to talk about the second piece of that armor – the breastplate of righteousness.   In verse 14b Paul tells us to position ourselves by putting on the breastplate of righteousness.   A breastplate is the armor that covered the body from the neck to the thighs, and consisted of two parts, one covering the front and the other the back. It was made of rings, or in the form of scales, or of plates, so fastened together that they would be flexible, and yet guard the body from a sword, spear, or arrow. Roman soldiers put on a b
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