Why I Wanted to Die Pt. 2 of Why I Should Have Never Gotten Married

Have you ever truly feared for your life?  I’m not talking about in general. I’m talking about someone trying to kill you. I have.  For those of you reading this who are married, you know that marriage is not easy.  It is especially hard when your spouse is an abuser.  Who is an abuser?  In a relationship, an abuser is when someone exhibits a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation.

I never thought that when I said, “I DO” I would be the victim of domestic violence.  I am an avid Lifetime movie watcher so I had seen stories about it and in my mind, I always thought there is no way that would ever be me.  However, not long after I got married I found myself fearing for my life on a regular basis.  While I won’t go into the detail of my abuse, I will tell you that it did some serious damage to my mental state.  I was ashamed and embarrassed about what was going on in my house. Because of my embarrassment I hid the truth about my life for a long time.  I thought something was wrong with me.  I blamed myself. I blamed God. The longer I stayed, the more worthless I felt. But I stayed.  I was a Christian and didn’t that mean I was supposed to take it.  That is what some older women said to me.  One even told me to ‘stop making him mad’.  I wanted to please God and I didn’t want to be divorced so I did what I thought was right. I sucked it up. I didn’t think that anyone would believe me. So, I learned to put my face on, smile, act like everything was okay all the while dying on the inside and sinking into a state of almost irreversible depression.  I wanted to die. Depression had been a part of my life from childhood, so I didn’t need any help withdrawing and going into my shell.

It wasn’t until later and after a lot of therapy, prayer and one on one conversation with God did I realize that I had been given some bad advice.  I forgot during my abuse that Jesus said, “I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly.”  This abundant life Jesus talked about was for now, not later when I was dead.  It was NOT God’s plan or desire for my life for anyone to abuse me mentally or physically.  And let me put a footnote here:  Mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse.  The scars from physical abuse eventually go away.  The words from mental and verbal abuse stay for a lifetime and have you replaying the words over and over again in your head.  This is why Philippians 4:8 is one of my life verses.  It reminds me daily to “think on these things”. 

I am not sharing my story for any sympathy or to call out my abuser.  I am sharing my story to tell you what God can do.  At the point when I was at my lowest, seeking the love and affection of a man who would never be able to give it to me, God reminded me that HE LOVED ME.  He reminded me that I was his child.  I did not deserve to be treated that way.  I was also reminded of the children He had blessed me with.  I had a ministry to them.  I could not and would not continue to allow my son to think that was how a man was supposed to treat a woman or to allow my daughters to think that was how they were supposed to be treated by a man. I decided that I would no longer be a victim.  You see, those were his issues not mine and as long as I was taking it, I was enabling his behavior.  I remember the day I took the step to end my marriage.  I was so afraid.  But by the grace of God I did it.  Know this, that if you are being abused and you decide to leave your abuser will not like it.  For many months after my decision I was threatened, followed, and even attacked.  It got to the point that I had to protect myself.  But I never went back.  It was hard. A few times I thought about just going back just to survive.  However, in the back of my mind I knew that is not what God had for me.   

I share my story today to say that, as Christians, we need to share Godly advice.  Know that what works for you doesn’t work for everyone.  Stop telling people to stay in abusive situations.  Stop giving your personal opinion.  PLEASE! Give people the Word of God and pray for them.  It is okay to say that you don’t know.  And if you haven’t experienced it, who cares what you would do if it were you because it’s not you.  No God does not like divorce nor does He like abuse.  Yes, in marriage you need to take some things, compromise, and through prayer let God change you and your spouse as you grow together and your bond grows stronger.  When you are the victim of abuse, know that the abuser must want to change.  He or she must turn their life completely over to God and deal with THEIR issues.  You are not to blame.  It is not your fault.  Please don’t be a silent sufferer.  Let the people who love you know because when you are weak they can be your support and cover you in prayer.  I am grateful for my experience, not for the abuse, but for what it taught me about God.  I am grateful because it taught me firsthand about the protection of God.  I know God to be a Healer and a Restorer.  I watched God bring me back to life from the place of wanting to die, either by his hand or even my own, to the place of wanting to live just so I could tell people about the God who was faithful to me.  When you see me just know I am a LIVING TESTIMONY!  I am not embarrassed or ashamed of my story. God has done ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING in my life.   Everything I have been through was so HE could get the glory. 

I want to end this by reiterating something I said in my first blogpost “Why I Should Never Have Gotten Married”.  The decision to get married should be about more than physical attraction or what looks good.  It shouldn’t be because your biological clock is ticking or you want a big wedding.  And please don’t let it be because someone else is pressuring you telling you it’s time.  Please make sure that your decision to get married involves God.  Because of making a decision without consulting God and waiting for HIS answer, I’ve had to struggle as a single mother.  My children have had to suffer.  I’ve treated good men bad because I automatically made them my abuser. This won’t exempt you from trouble in your marriage.  It will, however, stop some heartache, that I just don’t believe the God who said, “He came that you might have life and have it more abundantly”, intended for you to go through.